Saturday, May 1, 2010

Jonathan Poullard's Anti-Student Union

Dear UCMeP Faithful,

As we all are well aware, the University of California is currently going through a profoundly profitable rebranding process. Administrators and government officials alike are working hard and getting paid top dollar to transform our beloved university from a decrepit bastion of free speech and what Ronald Reagan once called “a hotbed of communism and homosexuality” to something a bit more upstanding.

Like insects of the Lepidoptera order that magnificently metamorphose from dull and ugly caterpillars into graceful butterflies, so too is the UC finally coming into its own by changing beyond all recognition. Once UC has made it through the growing pains of this transformation (we like to call it an “educational process”), the university will be but a shell of its former self — leaner, meaner, less diverse, with far fewer students!

In an effort to better reflect UC Berkeley’s emerging identity, the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) is spearheading a direct action campaign to rename prominent campus buildings in honor of those who are most responsible for the new direction UC Berkeley is currently barreling down.

With this said, UCMeP is wasting no time. On May 5, 2010 we will change the name of UC Berkeley’s “Martin Luther King Jr. Student Union” to “Jonathan Poullard’s Anti-Student Union.” This new moniker recognizes the inspiring commitment our Dean of Students has repeatedly demonstrated to revoking the civil rights of students at UC Berkeley.

By overseeing the extra-legal prosecutions of over 100 students for their misguided activist efforts to defend public education, Mr. Poullard has gone above and beyond the call of duty (not to mention the law) to ensure that students are not guaranteed the same rights and privileges afforded to them by kangaroo courts of law like the US Supreme Court. Along with his faithful companions Susan Tregaser, Christina Gonzalez, and Jeff Woods, the ironically titled “Dean of Students” has worked tirelessly to create a second class of students on our fair campus. Moreover, Mr. Poullard never hesitates to remind us that contrary to the US Constitution, free speech is not a right but in fact a privilege that must be policed at all times and revoked when it conflicts with the interest of the property-owning minority.

Let’s be honest, figures like Martin Luther King Jr., Mario Savio, and Cesar Chavez (and the struggles for social justice and equal rights they represent) are – thankfully – a thing of the past. In their place stand a brave, new cohort of mid-level administrators dressed whose dedication to turning a blind eye to all ethical systems is nothing if not impressive. These heroes will undoubtedly be the names and faces our children and grandchildren read about in their history books.

In eager anticipation, then, we invite you to show your support for Jonathan Poullard and the metamorphosis he represents by joining us on Sproul Plaza this Wednesday, May 5 at 1:30PM for a dedication ceremony and inaugural ribbon cutting of the new “Anti-Student Union.”

We do hope you can join us to celebrate of this man’s innumerable noble accomplishments. And we encourage you to use the attached photo as your profile picture on Facebook in honor of Mr. Poullard.

Faithfully Yours,

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